Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Feeling like seconds...

My grandma used to sing a song about secondhand Rose whose father owned a second hand store. Poor Rose never got anything new. Everything she had was secondhand and that made her feel, well, secondhand. My life this week has felt much like this song because although I regularly get new things and nice things, as far as interpersonal relationships go, I have been feeling, well, secondhand.

There is more history behind these feelings than I care to share on my little blog, but it comes down to a certain group of friends who include me only peripherally and conveinently. I pretend like it doesn't matter, but it does. Everytime it hurts a little more. It is something I have not been able to reconcile within myself no matter how hard I try...and I have tried. So this little post, my only one in this busy December, is all about self indulgence. I feel little sad, a little second, and I need that to be written down somewhere, so it means something, so it is more than it is.