This is just to say...

I love nicknames. They are so personal and endearing. If I have given you one, it means I love you.

A little life music...

I'd like to think I have a life filled with music. My ipod is a constant companion. I hum to myself. I sing. I play the guitar a little and pretend I am Gillian Welch or Patty Griffin. I play the piano and think I missed my chance at true greatness. I listen for life's underpinings, for the melody of things, for the songs running underneath. Sometimes in the stillness I can hear the earth humming and I can hear the song of sparrows in their black fall and flight.

I listen to a variety of music and I guess I have, what you could call, exacting tastes. I tend prefer girl voices. I always prefer acoustic. I like songs heavy on guitar, piano, and discorded melodies. Poetic lyrics, a certain amount of angst, a certain amount of hope, a message that means something to me will be played more often than others.

There are a few songs I listen to at least once a day. I have listened to them hundreds of times, which means I have literally spent hours listening to the same song. I never grow tired of them. It makes me think they mean something or they say something I want to say, but can't. Either way they make me happy and that is about all someone should ask for.

P.S. If you want to try a few, some of my daily staples are:

Wait by Alexi Murdock

Falling Slowly and Low Rising by The Swell Season (If you don't know this band, you should)!

Mother of God by Patty Griffin

How Will He Find Me by Deb Talan

A happy reunion...

My grandpa died last Thursday. It has been a sad time. We were always close. I spent a few weeks every summer with him and my grandma. There were visits throughout the year as well. From him I inherited my dry sense of humor, my love of things growing, my tendency to collect and keep things beyond their usefulness, my real laugh. He called me, his sweet girl.

Since my dad died, I have felt even closer to him. He has been, more than before, the father figure in my life. Talking to him was almost like talking to my dad and though our conversations were different, I didn't always tell him everything, I could hear my dad's voice through him. I could hear what my dad would say as if I was actually talking to him. It made losing my dad more tolerable. Now, I will miss those conversations.

My grandpa's death is easier to understand than my dad's. He was eighty-seven, which by most standards is a good, long life. He made it a good life: doing many things, going many places, being many things to many different people. He was ready to go. A few weeks ago he told me, I've been away at school, now it almost time to go home.

I am also comforted by the fact that his death was also a happy reunion. He was reunited with my dad, my Uncle Val (who died a few years before my dad), my Aunt Pauline (who they lost as a baby), his parents, and many others. It too must have been a time of tears, just a different sort. It too must be a time of reflection and memories. I cannot be sad about that.

Happy homecoming, Grandpa.

A lesson from the single life...

I don't usually begrudge the fact I'm in my thirties and single. This is largely due to the fact that I feel like my life is full and beautiful. I have many talents. I've been given many gifts. I am industrious and hard working. I learned long ago the quiet joy found in being alone. I also learned to be alone. I am generous. I am honest. I know myself and I like keeping company with myself. I have wonderful family and many friends.

The above self realizations make my life fulfilling, even if it isn't exactly what I planned for it to be. I do still want to be married and to have babies of my own, but I am also content to know that they will come in their own time, in their own way.

The above self realizations have also made me picky in choosing a partner. Maybe because I have found contentment in my life as it is, I am not rushing towards a life that isn't just as satisfying or beautiful. In other words, I am looking for an asset, not a liability. I am looking for a partner, not a piranha. I am looking for an equal, not perfect, but at least equitable. I will settle for nothing less.

This resolve was reinforced on Saturday night when I attended the party of a friend. I knew almost no one there, except for the girls throwing the party. So, I was fortunate enough to spend the time talking to them and watching everything else going on. What I observed was a room full of beautiful, educated, articulate, successful women with degrees and professions and self awareness trying to make conversation with sub-par and very awkward men. Two of them couldn't stop talking about Star Wars. One of them made up some persona about being a make up artist. (In Utah, really)? The others stood awkwardly silent unless asked a question. From the conversations I heard none of them had valid or valuable professions or interesting lives. In fact, beyond their membership in the church, there was not a single attractive thing about any of them.

If this resonates as bitterness, I promise it isn't. If it sounds trite and contrived, it isn't that either. It was just an evening of observations that reconfirmed my resolve to find an asset and not settle for anything less. Because, dear hearts, do you really want to spend eternity, or even a lifetime, with a doldrum?

Quotes from Kindergarten...

Today, while coloring, the following conversation occurred...

Kindergartener: Miss B, today we will go to church after my mom comes home from work.
Me: Why are you going to church today?
K: I don't know...to see a boy.
Me: A boy? What boy?
K: I don't know his name. He is up on the wall.
Me: You mean Jesus?
K: No, I don't think that's the one.
Me: Are you going to see a man who is hanging on the wall?
K: Yep, that's it.
Me: Okay, well the man hanging on the wall is Jesus.
K: No.
Me: Yes.
K: Really? Do you know him or what?

Do I know him? That is a question best saved for another post.